That's me on the far right, in the summer of 2008. I was probably at my heaviest, around 250lbs, which is about where I was when I got pregnant with Oscar.
Bear with me, this is going to be a wordy one! For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I'm pretty damn confident with myself now, but I used to struggle with a lot of insecurity. There was the constant re-adjusting of my clothing, always checking the mirror to see if I looked fat, and wearing big over-sized clothing. I even went as far as never ever wearing my hair up, as if that would hide the fact that I was overweight. I'm putting this out there, because I know I'm not at all alone with these feelings and because I've been in a bit of a weight loss funk. I need to get excited about my health and fitness again and hold myself accountable. This is me doing that.
I want to be clear, I don't care about fat vs. thin. This isn't about me having some kind of perfect body or really being unhappy about my appearance. I am beautiful and my body is beautiful. This is about me being healthy and setting a good example for my children.
When I was pregnant with Oscar, I found out I had gestational diabetes. I began to realize what I had been doing to my body and made some changes. I gave up the sugary sweet iced tea I drank every day. I started keeping track of my carbohydrate intake. This amazing thing happened; I started losing weight during my pregnancy. Even after my pregnancy, with the diabetes gone, I continued my healthier habits. When I got pregnant with Ben, I eased up a bit, but I still mostly continued with my healthy eating. Eventually, after giving birth a second time, I joined Weight Watchers. I recorded everything I ate and started walking daily. I went to weekly meetings where I got to hear other people talk about their struggles and successes, which was so helpful. I then switched to the free option of keeping track of my food on My Fitness Pal and with the money I'm saving from Weight Watchers, I have joined a gym and am trying my best to find time to get there often.
I'm currently about 60lbs. smaller than I was in the above picture, which is amazing. I'm proud of my progress and my determination. Recently, though, I haven't felt so determined. I know my depression has played a part in that, but I've moved past the depression now and the motivation still isn't completely there. On our recent vacation, I ate ice cream nearly every day. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. For that week long lapse in healthy habits, I gained 10lbs and it has momentarily crushed my spirit.
This would be a shot of me on the vacation where I was a total glutton. Pretty sure I had a huge cone of peanut butter and chocolate frozen yogurt later that day!
I have cried to Donnie that it's just easier being fat and I've found myself gravitating towards the endless amount of candy and junk food that starts appearing this time of year. You know what? I'm over that. Crying and complaining aren't going to get me anywhere. So I'm putting it out there for everyone to see. Consider this me putting on my big girl undies, figuratively speaking, and moving forward. That second photo? It's not an after, but a during, because I am a work in progress!
Will I have some more bad moments in this journey? Probably. Will I do some more whining? Of course! I have come so far, though, and have completely changed my habits and lifestyle. I am amazing and I can do this!