Finding Myself

Please excuse the terribly fuzzy picture, but I think that it perfectly describes how I feel these days.

I started this blog nearly a year ago, in hopes it would help be an outlet for my increasing depression and anxiety.  I know I've spoken about my depression previously and I thought now would be a good time to share a bit more, because I know of a few people who are currently in the same place as I was.  I tried like hell to fight it on my own.  I exercised.  I saw a counselor.  I blogged and wrote out my thoughts.  It all seemed to help, but it just wasn't enough.  I really felt like I had lost myself somewhere and I know it was affecting my life and relationships.  I returned to my family doctor to discuss the one thing I had always been against, medication.  She had been the one who had recommended counseling and I felt like she truly listened to my concerns.  Just as I had initially spilled my guts to her, I did so again, listing out all the reasons medication scared me.  I didn't want to feel flat or emotionless, I didn't want it to add to my struggle to lose weight, and as most parents of toddlers can relate, I didn't need anything that would further interfere with any chance of intimacy with my husband.  Trusting that my doctor had once again sincerely heard me, I began taking a small dose of medication.  My doctor was great.  She assured me that if I started a medication and it wasn't working out, we could try something different.

I checked back in with my doctor after taking the medication for a few weeks.  I remember her commenting that I had my glow back.  It's been months now and I feel like the glow is still there.  I still work at my happiness, because I think we all have to do some of that, but it comes much easier.  I feel so comfortable with myself.  I am truly the happiest I have been in a very long time.

I know this has gotten pretty wordy, but I think it's important to be reminded that sometimes it's okay to ask for help and that we all deserve to enjoy what little time we have in this world.  If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading my story.  I hope you can feel some happiness too and if you aren't there yet, you'll get there.  Don't stop trying and don't be afraid to ask for help!

This is me giving myself a kick in the butt!

  

That's me on the far right, in the summer of 2008.  I was probably at my heaviest, around 250lbs, which is about where I was when I got pregnant with Oscar.

Bear with me, this is going to be a wordy one!  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight.  I'm pretty damn confident with myself now, but I used to struggle with a lot of insecurity.  There was the constant re-adjusting of my clothing, always checking the mirror to see if I looked fat, and wearing big over-sized clothing.  I even went as far as never ever wearing my hair up, as if that would hide the fact that I was overweight.  I'm putting this out there, because I know I'm not at all alone with these feelings and because I've been in a bit of a weight loss funk.  I need to get excited about my health and fitness again and hold myself accountable.  This is me doing that.

I want to be clear, I don't care about fat vs. thin.  This isn't about me having some kind of perfect body or really being unhappy about my appearance.  I am beautiful and my body is beautiful.  This is about me being healthy and setting a good example for my children.

When I was pregnant with Oscar, I found out I had gestational diabetes.  I began to realize what I had been doing to my body and made some changes.  I gave up the sugary sweet iced tea I drank every day.  I started keeping track of my carbohydrate intake.  This amazing thing happened; I started losing weight during my pregnancy.  Even after my pregnancy, with the diabetes gone, I continued my healthier habits.  When I got pregnant with Ben, I eased up a bit, but I still mostly continued with my healthy eating.  Eventually, after giving birth a second time, I joined Weight Watchers.  I recorded everything I ate and started walking daily.  I went to weekly meetings where I got to hear other people talk about their struggles and successes, which was so helpful.  I then switched to the free option of keeping track of my food on My Fitness Pal and with the money I'm saving from Weight Watchers, I have joined a gym and am trying my best to find time to get there often.

I'm currently about 60lbs. smaller than I was in the above picture, which is amazing.  I'm proud of my progress and my determination.  Recently, though, I haven't felt so determined.  I know my depression has played a part in that, but I've moved past the depression now and the motivation still isn't completely there.  On our recent vacation, I ate ice cream nearly every day.  I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  For that week long lapse in healthy habits, I gained 10lbs and it has momentarily crushed my spirit. 

 This would be a shot of me on the vacation where I was a total glutton.  Pretty sure I had a huge cone of peanut butter and chocolate frozen yogurt later that day!

I have cried to Donnie that it's just easier being fat and I've found myself gravitating towards the endless amount of candy and junk food that starts appearing this time of year.  You know what?  I'm over that.  Crying and complaining aren't going to get me anywhere.  So I'm putting it out there for everyone to see.  Consider this me putting on my big girl undies, figuratively speaking, and moving forward.  That second photo?  It's not an after, but a during, because I am a work in progress!

Will I have some more bad moments in this journey?  Probably.  Will I do some more whining?  Of course!  I have come so far, though, and have completely changed my habits and lifestyle.  I am amazing and I can do this!

Creating Happiness

I've been brainstorming ideas for posts, so I don't end up getting bored.  That happens to me.  I have the shortest attention span.  I have a lot of ideas and finally found my missing camera, so I plan on taking some photos for posts soon and was actually planning one for today, but I think I'll save that for another time and instead talk about something I've been working really hard at lately.

A few months ago, I started to notice that I wasn't feeling like my usual happy self.  I've always had some trouble with anxiety, but there was something besides that.  I stopped enjoying many of the activities that I normally enjoyed doing.  I couldn't even bring myself to take the daily walks that I always looked forward to.  I began to dread a lot of social interactions.  It was something I had never felt before and it was pretty damn scary.

I went to see my family doctor and ended up just unloading on her.  I told her that I was feeling overwhelmed, that I was crying pretty often, and that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, more than ever.  The doctor said she thought it sounded like I was suffering from depression.  She suggested that I see a counselor and referred me to a practice nearby.  It's funny, I help people for a living.  I suggest that people get counseling pretty often, but it wasn't something I was fully comfortable with.  The fear of falling deeper into depression outweighed my fear of counseling, so I decided to give it a shot.

I had the worst anxiety the day I had to meet the counselor for the first time, but it seemed to melt as we spoke.  She was so very sweet and seemed to be able to relate to what I was going through.  We talked about my life, my past, my family and I cried like a baby.  We sort of made a plan that I was going to learn to manage my depression and anxiety so that it didn't affect my daily life and pick up some coping skills.  I left feeling a bit renewed and optimistic about overcoming this.  I saw the counselor again and left with some great ideas on how to overcome my biggest obstacle, my own thoughts and self criticism.  I felt pretty determined and I started working on things right away.  I have spent the last two weeks actively working at improving and it's been amazing!  Depression is pretty common, yet it's not something a lot of people are comfortable talking about.  I wanted to share my experience and how I've started to heal, in hopes that it may help someone else with these same feelings.

Here is how I created happiness:

• I got serious about exercise.  I hate getting up early and I can't say that it's always easy to want to go workout, but I have been going to the gym each morning before work.  My counselor stressed that next to medication, exercise is the second most effective treatment for depression.

• I downloaded this app for my iPhone.  There are a ton of journal and diary apps, but I really like that the simplicity of this one.  Each day I make a list of the things for which I am grateful and the app puts the items in a numbered list that I can look back at later.

• I made a list entitled "Why I am Amazing" and filled it with accomplishments and things I like about myself.  I tend to be my harshest critic and sometimes dwell on what I still need to do, instead of the progress I have already made.  I refer back to that list when I start to feel sorry for or criticize myself.

• I made a playlist of songs that make me feel good.  Music is a pretty powerful thing and can definitely change my attitude.

• I leaned on friends and family for support.  I have some great friends, both in real life and online.  I make sure that I reach out when I am feeling down.  I have an amazing friend in Australia who I email regularly.  Sometimes it's as simple as describing our days, but that regular interaction is great.  I also made sure to always fill Don in on what I was experiencing, even if I didn't have a good explanation for why.  

• I made sure that my office was filled with things that make me happy, pictures of my boys, little wind-up toys, and positive quotes.  I spend a ton of time there, so I wanted to make sure it was a comforting space.  I have this great little box of power thought cards, which can be found here.  Each card has a positive affirmation on one side and description on the other side.  I picked out the ones that I thought were the best fitting and displayed them right on my desk.  This one is two-fold, because it helps both me and my clients.

• Finally, I started this blog.  I love writing and sharing.  This is something I've wanted to do for a long time and this seemed like the perfect time.

Now I'm not saying that it's always easy to make changes and I know I will likely still have some bad days, but I've been feeling really good.  I saw my counselor tonight and she seemed proud.  She only wants to see me once a month, because that's really all I need.  As proof that all my hard work is paying off, on my way home from my appointment, my car broke down and kept my cool.  I stopped for food and it just wouldn't start when I tried to leave.  I called my husband and to his surprise, not only was I not crying, but I wasn't even upset.  I sat outside, ate my food, and waited for my husband to arrive.  When we couldn't get my car started, I simply called a tow truck company and went home.  No tears, no anxiety.  This is pretty big for me!

I know this post is super wordy, but this has been a pretty big part of my life right now.  I'm working hard to be happy and well.  I promise my next post will contain  more pictures and a lot less text!