Finding Myself

Please excuse the terribly fuzzy picture, but I think that it perfectly describes how I feel these days.

I started this blog nearly a year ago, in hopes it would help be an outlet for my increasing depression and anxiety.  I know I've spoken about my depression previously and I thought now would be a good time to share a bit more, because I know of a few people who are currently in the same place as I was.  I tried like hell to fight it on my own.  I exercised.  I saw a counselor.  I blogged and wrote out my thoughts.  It all seemed to help, but it just wasn't enough.  I really felt like I had lost myself somewhere and I know it was affecting my life and relationships.  I returned to my family doctor to discuss the one thing I had always been against, medication.  She had been the one who had recommended counseling and I felt like she truly listened to my concerns.  Just as I had initially spilled my guts to her, I did so again, listing out all the reasons medication scared me.  I didn't want to feel flat or emotionless, I didn't want it to add to my struggle to lose weight, and as most parents of toddlers can relate, I didn't need anything that would further interfere with any chance of intimacy with my husband.  Trusting that my doctor had once again sincerely heard me, I began taking a small dose of medication.  My doctor was great.  She assured me that if I started a medication and it wasn't working out, we could try something different.

I checked back in with my doctor after taking the medication for a few weeks.  I remember her commenting that I had my glow back.  It's been months now and I feel like the glow is still there.  I still work at my happiness, because I think we all have to do some of that, but it comes much easier.  I feel so comfortable with myself.  I am truly the happiest I have been in a very long time.

I know this has gotten pretty wordy, but I think it's important to be reminded that sometimes it's okay to ask for help and that we all deserve to enjoy what little time we have in this world.  If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading my story.  I hope you can feel some happiness too and if you aren't there yet, you'll get there.  Don't stop trying and don't be afraid to ask for help!

Overcoming My Thoughts

I have really fallen off the fitness wagon.  I think it's a fairly normal thing to do this time of year, with being surrounded by baked goods and not really having any spare time.  I also have the added stress of a little guy who doesn't always sleep very well, leading to long nights and being much too exhausted to get up early and workout.  I managed to go to the gym once last week and was so happy to be there.  Now I just have to find my motivation to get back there and, once again, change my attitude.  I recently had some issues with a medication that caused my hormones to go a little crazy, causing a full month of increased appetite, lack of energy, and total bitchiness.  I pretty much spent that month stuffing my face full of junk!  That, coupled with my lack of exercise, has resulted in gaining almost fifteen pounds.  I feel my depression creeping up again and I know that I need to fight it, exercise being a huge part in that fight.  With the depression has come some struggle with my self image.  I have been feeling just disgusted with my appearance.  I actually cut my bangs in a moment of disgust recently, because for me, my hair has always sort of been my security blanket.  It's like having bangs will somehow disguise the fact that I need to be healthier.  I've never struggled this badly before and am trying to fight this negative thinking, because I know that I am beautiful and I am usually quite comfortable with my body.  I just found that one of my dear friends and one of the most amazing women I know has a blog and I discovered this post.  It was just what I needed.  It was comforting to know that someone I consider to be absolutely gorgeous, confident, and strong sometimes struggles too and it was also a great reminder to be a little less critical of myself, to stay positive, and to work on the things I want to change, instead of just whining about them.  I don't want to be completely obsessed with my appearance and weight loss either, so I need to find a delicate balance where I am working on getting healthier, both physically and mentally, but not dwelling on my appearance or every little thing I eat.  It's a big deal for me to share this, because although I am pretty open, I find this struggle to be quite personal.  I feel a bit vulnerable, but it feels good to get it all out, though, and now I can move forward.  Thanks for listening!

image from this amazing tumblr post

This is me giving myself a kick in the butt!

  

That's me on the far right, in the summer of 2008.  I was probably at my heaviest, around 250lbs, which is about where I was when I got pregnant with Oscar.

Bear with me, this is going to be a wordy one!  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight.  I'm pretty damn confident with myself now, but I used to struggle with a lot of insecurity.  There was the constant re-adjusting of my clothing, always checking the mirror to see if I looked fat, and wearing big over-sized clothing.  I even went as far as never ever wearing my hair up, as if that would hide the fact that I was overweight.  I'm putting this out there, because I know I'm not at all alone with these feelings and because I've been in a bit of a weight loss funk.  I need to get excited about my health and fitness again and hold myself accountable.  This is me doing that.

I want to be clear, I don't care about fat vs. thin.  This isn't about me having some kind of perfect body or really being unhappy about my appearance.  I am beautiful and my body is beautiful.  This is about me being healthy and setting a good example for my children.

When I was pregnant with Oscar, I found out I had gestational diabetes.  I began to realize what I had been doing to my body and made some changes.  I gave up the sugary sweet iced tea I drank every day.  I started keeping track of my carbohydrate intake.  This amazing thing happened; I started losing weight during my pregnancy.  Even after my pregnancy, with the diabetes gone, I continued my healthier habits.  When I got pregnant with Ben, I eased up a bit, but I still mostly continued with my healthy eating.  Eventually, after giving birth a second time, I joined Weight Watchers.  I recorded everything I ate and started walking daily.  I went to weekly meetings where I got to hear other people talk about their struggles and successes, which was so helpful.  I then switched to the free option of keeping track of my food on My Fitness Pal and with the money I'm saving from Weight Watchers, I have joined a gym and am trying my best to find time to get there often.

I'm currently about 60lbs. smaller than I was in the above picture, which is amazing.  I'm proud of my progress and my determination.  Recently, though, I haven't felt so determined.  I know my depression has played a part in that, but I've moved past the depression now and the motivation still isn't completely there.  On our recent vacation, I ate ice cream nearly every day.  I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  For that week long lapse in healthy habits, I gained 10lbs and it has momentarily crushed my spirit. 

 This would be a shot of me on the vacation where I was a total glutton.  Pretty sure I had a huge cone of peanut butter and chocolate frozen yogurt later that day!

I have cried to Donnie that it's just easier being fat and I've found myself gravitating towards the endless amount of candy and junk food that starts appearing this time of year.  You know what?  I'm over that.  Crying and complaining aren't going to get me anywhere.  So I'm putting it out there for everyone to see.  Consider this me putting on my big girl undies, figuratively speaking, and moving forward.  That second photo?  It's not an after, but a during, because I am a work in progress!

Will I have some more bad moments in this journey?  Probably.  Will I do some more whining?  Of course!  I have come so far, though, and have completely changed my habits and lifestyle.  I am amazing and I can do this!