Finding Myself

Please excuse the terribly fuzzy picture, but I think that it perfectly describes how I feel these days.

I started this blog nearly a year ago, in hopes it would help be an outlet for my increasing depression and anxiety.  I know I've spoken about my depression previously and I thought now would be a good time to share a bit more, because I know of a few people who are currently in the same place as I was.  I tried like hell to fight it on my own.  I exercised.  I saw a counselor.  I blogged and wrote out my thoughts.  It all seemed to help, but it just wasn't enough.  I really felt like I had lost myself somewhere and I know it was affecting my life and relationships.  I returned to my family doctor to discuss the one thing I had always been against, medication.  She had been the one who had recommended counseling and I felt like she truly listened to my concerns.  Just as I had initially spilled my guts to her, I did so again, listing out all the reasons medication scared me.  I didn't want to feel flat or emotionless, I didn't want it to add to my struggle to lose weight, and as most parents of toddlers can relate, I didn't need anything that would further interfere with any chance of intimacy with my husband.  Trusting that my doctor had once again sincerely heard me, I began taking a small dose of medication.  My doctor was great.  She assured me that if I started a medication and it wasn't working out, we could try something different.

I checked back in with my doctor after taking the medication for a few weeks.  I remember her commenting that I had my glow back.  It's been months now and I feel like the glow is still there.  I still work at my happiness, because I think we all have to do some of that, but it comes much easier.  I feel so comfortable with myself.  I am truly the happiest I have been in a very long time.

I know this has gotten pretty wordy, but I think it's important to be reminded that sometimes it's okay to ask for help and that we all deserve to enjoy what little time we have in this world.  If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading my story.  I hope you can feel some happiness too and if you aren't there yet, you'll get there.  Don't stop trying and don't be afraid to ask for help!

Overcoming My Thoughts

I have really fallen off the fitness wagon.  I think it's a fairly normal thing to do this time of year, with being surrounded by baked goods and not really having any spare time.  I also have the added stress of a little guy who doesn't always sleep very well, leading to long nights and being much too exhausted to get up early and workout.  I managed to go to the gym once last week and was so happy to be there.  Now I just have to find my motivation to get back there and, once again, change my attitude.  I recently had some issues with a medication that caused my hormones to go a little crazy, causing a full month of increased appetite, lack of energy, and total bitchiness.  I pretty much spent that month stuffing my face full of junk!  That, coupled with my lack of exercise, has resulted in gaining almost fifteen pounds.  I feel my depression creeping up again and I know that I need to fight it, exercise being a huge part in that fight.  With the depression has come some struggle with my self image.  I have been feeling just disgusted with my appearance.  I actually cut my bangs in a moment of disgust recently, because for me, my hair has always sort of been my security blanket.  It's like having bangs will somehow disguise the fact that I need to be healthier.  I've never struggled this badly before and am trying to fight this negative thinking, because I know that I am beautiful and I am usually quite comfortable with my body.  I just found that one of my dear friends and one of the most amazing women I know has a blog and I discovered this post.  It was just what I needed.  It was comforting to know that someone I consider to be absolutely gorgeous, confident, and strong sometimes struggles too and it was also a great reminder to be a little less critical of myself, to stay positive, and to work on the things I want to change, instead of just whining about them.  I don't want to be completely obsessed with my appearance and weight loss either, so I need to find a delicate balance where I am working on getting healthier, both physically and mentally, but not dwelling on my appearance or every little thing I eat.  It's a big deal for me to share this, because although I am pretty open, I find this struggle to be quite personal.  I feel a bit vulnerable, but it feels good to get it all out, though, and now I can move forward.  Thanks for listening!

image from this amazing tumblr post

Creating Happiness

I've been brainstorming ideas for posts, so I don't end up getting bored.  That happens to me.  I have the shortest attention span.  I have a lot of ideas and finally found my missing camera, so I plan on taking some photos for posts soon and was actually planning one for today, but I think I'll save that for another time and instead talk about something I've been working really hard at lately.

A few months ago, I started to notice that I wasn't feeling like my usual happy self.  I've always had some trouble with anxiety, but there was something besides that.  I stopped enjoying many of the activities that I normally enjoyed doing.  I couldn't even bring myself to take the daily walks that I always looked forward to.  I began to dread a lot of social interactions.  It was something I had never felt before and it was pretty damn scary.

I went to see my family doctor and ended up just unloading on her.  I told her that I was feeling overwhelmed, that I was crying pretty often, and that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, more than ever.  The doctor said she thought it sounded like I was suffering from depression.  She suggested that I see a counselor and referred me to a practice nearby.  It's funny, I help people for a living.  I suggest that people get counseling pretty often, but it wasn't something I was fully comfortable with.  The fear of falling deeper into depression outweighed my fear of counseling, so I decided to give it a shot.

I had the worst anxiety the day I had to meet the counselor for the first time, but it seemed to melt as we spoke.  She was so very sweet and seemed to be able to relate to what I was going through.  We talked about my life, my past, my family and I cried like a baby.  We sort of made a plan that I was going to learn to manage my depression and anxiety so that it didn't affect my daily life and pick up some coping skills.  I left feeling a bit renewed and optimistic about overcoming this.  I saw the counselor again and left with some great ideas on how to overcome my biggest obstacle, my own thoughts and self criticism.  I felt pretty determined and I started working on things right away.  I have spent the last two weeks actively working at improving and it's been amazing!  Depression is pretty common, yet it's not something a lot of people are comfortable talking about.  I wanted to share my experience and how I've started to heal, in hopes that it may help someone else with these same feelings.

Here is how I created happiness:

• I got serious about exercise.  I hate getting up early and I can't say that it's always easy to want to go workout, but I have been going to the gym each morning before work.  My counselor stressed that next to medication, exercise is the second most effective treatment for depression.

• I downloaded this app for my iPhone.  There are a ton of journal and diary apps, but I really like that the simplicity of this one.  Each day I make a list of the things for which I am grateful and the app puts the items in a numbered list that I can look back at later.

• I made a list entitled "Why I am Amazing" and filled it with accomplishments and things I like about myself.  I tend to be my harshest critic and sometimes dwell on what I still need to do, instead of the progress I have already made.  I refer back to that list when I start to feel sorry for or criticize myself.

• I made a playlist of songs that make me feel good.  Music is a pretty powerful thing and can definitely change my attitude.

• I leaned on friends and family for support.  I have some great friends, both in real life and online.  I make sure that I reach out when I am feeling down.  I have an amazing friend in Australia who I email regularly.  Sometimes it's as simple as describing our days, but that regular interaction is great.  I also made sure to always fill Don in on what I was experiencing, even if I didn't have a good explanation for why.  

• I made sure that my office was filled with things that make me happy, pictures of my boys, little wind-up toys, and positive quotes.  I spend a ton of time there, so I wanted to make sure it was a comforting space.  I have this great little box of power thought cards, which can be found here.  Each card has a positive affirmation on one side and description on the other side.  I picked out the ones that I thought were the best fitting and displayed them right on my desk.  This one is two-fold, because it helps both me and my clients.

• Finally, I started this blog.  I love writing and sharing.  This is something I've wanted to do for a long time and this seemed like the perfect time.

Now I'm not saying that it's always easy to make changes and I know I will likely still have some bad days, but I've been feeling really good.  I saw my counselor tonight and she seemed proud.  She only wants to see me once a month, because that's really all I need.  As proof that all my hard work is paying off, on my way home from my appointment, my car broke down and kept my cool.  I stopped for food and it just wouldn't start when I tried to leave.  I called my husband and to his surprise, not only was I not crying, but I wasn't even upset.  I sat outside, ate my food, and waited for my husband to arrive.  When we couldn't get my car started, I simply called a tow truck company and went home.  No tears, no anxiety.  This is pretty big for me!

I know this post is super wordy, but this has been a pretty big part of my life right now.  I'm working hard to be happy and well.  I promise my next post will contain  more pictures and a lot less text!