I felt like maybe I should explain my extended absence from my blog, not because I owe anyone an explanation really, but because I bet there's at least one person reading who can relate and because we still don't talk about mental health as much as we should. There are still so many of us who feel ashamed asking for help or weak for taking medication. I am neither ashamed nor weak. I am strong and brave and I know I can't always do everything completely on my own.
I've spent the last few months in a pretty bad spot. Daily stomach aches, lots of tears, an ever racing heart and shaky hands, coming home and heading straight up to my bedroom, ignoring many of the things I love and that help me stay sane. There were also daily self pep talks, the deepest of breaths, long walks to unwind, and, finally, on my birthday, I went to see my doctor. I spent the morning of my birthday crying to the doctor. I was pissed off and frustrated. I have managed my anxiety and depression so well in the past and I had been doing everything I could to try to shake it off. It just wasn't enough, though, and so I asked for some help again.
The diagnosis on the printout from the visit said "adjustment disorder". I guess that's pretty accurate, because I have had one hell of a hard time adjusting to the change in jobs. It's ridiculously silly. I know that. I love this job, I love my coworkers, I think I do a pretty good job. I have absolutely no regrets in making the change. But that's the thing with anxiety and depression - you can know all of those things and still question every tiny action and fear the worse in every situation.
Here I am, though, a few months, lots of hard work, and a small daily dose of Prozac later. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. It's a process and some days I still feel the familiar sense of dread creeping up for no real reason, but it's getting easier. I know this is something I need to continue working at and, wow, typing this post feels absolutely therapeutic. If you've made it through this novella, thank you for reading. I'll be back tomorrow with something less wordy and eventually I want to share some things that have helped me out these past few months. It feels good to be back!